The Build Up

With boots on my feet
And shoes in my bag
The affluence of my place in society is evident.
And though my lunchbox
is torn and stained with years of use
there is a lunch inside it.
And should I be still hungry,
a card in my bag (which is new by the way)
will get me all the nourishment I need.
Well, physically at least.

But you see, I wanna live the simple life
Not Paris & Nicole
Not a trailer park girl wannabe
But the life that doesn't need
one more shirt, one more beauty product
a new phone, a big house.
And its so easy to blame society for making us this way.
But I am society.
I am the consumer.
I eat up the diseased messages they feed me.
Starving.
And I pull out my card
and try to feed myself.
And come away hungrier than before.
And angry.
Angry at society.
Big, mean society
that wants to destroy my hope and crush my passion.
But I bought into it.
With 2 plates in front of me,
I chose the one within easy reach
and filled with candy
and gorged myself
till I was sick.

So I walk away
and try to leave the nausea behind.
I do not want to be uncomfortable.
But the couch is lumpy
and the floor is hard
and the arms of the world are weak and conditional
only offering side hugs at their convenience
with no one to work the graveyard shift.

Disillusioned
Disenchanted
Disheartened
Disregarded

My stomach is grumbling
and my heart is broken.
And I know where to find the food and the tools
A voice says " Come to me and I will fill you
Come to me and I will mend you
Come to me and I will comfort you
I will delight in you and love you"
I'll try.

But not really.

I am the unathlectically gifted grade 8 girl
who joined the team to look cool
and get a participation ribbon.
I accept my skill level
and do not listen to the coach.
I did not come to learn.
But as my teamamtes improve
I am left behind
I am not a part of their victories.

Back to where I started
After all, its my trademark move.
So I put on my headphones
and pump up the volume
louder and louder and louder and louder
until I drown out the world

Escapism
HA!
Because I'm not really escaping.
I'm making it worse.
Until my heart is nothing but broken, worn out pieces of what was once there.
Until I walk to the middle
of a big open field
and cry.
And finally face my mess.
Because inside me, like so many others
is a messy tangle of my sins and the sins against me
So hopelessly tangled that only a master could even begin to sort it out

So I walk up to his house
to spend time with him every day
and he works on the knot
Slowly, and painfully
it comes undone.
And as it does, I realize
to live that simple life
is to make the simplest decision.
Accept an offer
An offer I refused far too many times to count
Still available, despite my poor qualifications

Love
Free love
I am a flower child of the 60's
under the influence
And suddenly my eyes are open
to a colourful world
that was always there
but that I had refused to see

Now comes the hard part.
Now comes the good part.